Bans: Let’s Teach Our Kids Digital Skills They Actually Need

*This a lighter version of a post I made last week, which many researchers, educators and experts in the field have found to be useful. If you'd like to see the other version, look here.

As parents, it feels like we’re constantly battling to keep our kids balanced and safe from digital distractions, social media, and the constant pull of screens. I get it—it's exhausting trying to manage it all, especially when it seems like there's new regulations to keep up with, new features on platforms being introduced, and let's not forget about the echo chambers we as parents can easily fall into. But here’s the thing: while banning phones and social media might seem like an easy solution in the moment, is it really helping our kids in the long run? Or are we just putting a temporary band-aid on a much bigger issue? Are the schools and platforms really addressing the issues?

I’m right there with you when it comes to wanting to curb screen use and protect our kids. I don't disagree with the idea that breaks from phones are needed, IMPORTANT (it's kinda my whole platform)! And I agree with kids learning about how to regulate different times and spaces for devices. But hear me out about the issue I have with bans in general—bans alone won’t teach our kids how to handle the digital world, and I feel like that piece is missing (which is also my platform!). They won’t help them manage notifications, understand what’s real vs. fake online, balance quality over quantity, or deal with the ups and downs of social media. And let’s be honest, our kids are going to come across it sooner or later (friends' phones and gaming systems)—so shouldn’t we be focusing on teaching them how to navigate it responsibly? And further food for thought, wouldn't you rather be by their side, while they're still impressionable and learning, guiding them and helping them, versus later, when they're less receptive to these talks, or worse yet, when they're out on their own and no longer in your home? Could schools help bridge this gap and teach skills in advisory/homeroom sessions as part of social-emotional development skills?

Why Bans Aren’t the Whole Answer

Think about it: Just because your child doesn’t have a phone at school doesn’t mean they’re completely shielded from the digital world. They might watch over a friend’s shoulder on the bus, or figure out how to get around the parental controls, as I see daily on parent Facebook groups. (Because let’s face it—kids are smart and love pushing boundaries! Mine sure did!) And when they do get their hands on a device, will they really know how to use it safely and responsibly?

What our kids truly need are skills to help them manage their tech use—things like learning to self-regulate, handle online conflict, understand perspective and develop empathy, seek adults when met with sketchy situations, and make smart decisions in general when they’re online. These are life skills they’ll need whether they’re at school, at home, or out with friends.

Let’s Focus on What They Need—Not Just What We Fear

It’s easy to feel like the answer is “just say no” when it comes to phones or social media. And yes, kids and dynamics are different for each family. But when we focus solely on banning (which is THE loudest voice in the room right now), we’re missing two critical pieces—listening to them, and teaching them how to have a healthy relationship with technology. 

In fact, studies show that while many of us worry about social media’s negative impact, 80% of teens say it helps them feel more connected to their friends (PEW). So instead of focusing only on the negatives, let’s start talking about how to make their online experiences better—whether that’s learning how to set healthy boundaries, working on tiny habits, or teaching them how to spot manipulation and misinformation online (so key these days with the current events, isn't it?).

It’s Not About Perfection—It’s About Progress

Look, none of us have all the answers when it comes to navigating this constantly changing digital age. The "fixes" that platforms like Meta are doing, with Instagram for example, are still missing the mark. But what we can do is start having real conversations with our kids about their online lives. Talk to them about the positive and negative aspects of social media, get curious about their experiences with various apps and games, and offer guidance without snap judgment. Let them know it’s okay to mess up and that learning how to navigate tech takes time and practice. And to take it one step further, ask your schools to think about digital wellness and media literacy education to be integrated into curriculum, or at least into advisory/homeroom sessions. Technology doesn't just happen in protected silos, it's everywhere.

As you know, I’ve created resources based on what I’ve taught in schools that you can do right alongside your kids, or have your kiddo do alone. The conversation happening shouldn't be just about banning or blocking—it should be about helping them develop critical thinking and digital wellness skills that will last a lifetime. 

While banning phones might give us temporary peace of mind, it’s the ongoing conversations and the skills we teach them that will make all the difference.

Ready to help your kids develop a healthier relationship with technology? 

Check out my online course, based on the same principles I’ve taught in schools, to get started on this journey with your family. Check it out HERE.